i swore i'd never go back
by daddybats
Summary: bruce is spiraling. He has plans to kill all the people who've ever caused him pain, starting with the joker. barbara has called in all the robins, but dick isn't coming easily. if he goes back, if he goes down into that hole again, he might not make it out.
1. he isn't coming

**Missed call: Alfred Pennyworth**

"_That's the third one this hour," _he thought, "_must be important." _

Before he had time to dial the number back, another incoming call came through. This one from a number he was unfamiliar with.

He answered.

"Dick Grayson,"

"_Dick? Is that you?" _

The voice was unfamiliar.

"Who is this?"

"_It's Barbara," _

Barbara? It couldn't be. Barbara was supposed to be off living life on her terms. At least, that's what she told Dick she would do. She promised him that she was done with Bruce. That was the only thing that made leaving his life behind alright; the reassurance that she wasn't far behind.

Clearly, that was a lie. One of the many that were coming back to him.

"I thought you were done with this, Barbara," he said.

"_I am_," she said, "_or, I was. It's Bruce, Dick_."

"Yeah, I kinda figured. Isn't it always?"

Bruce seemed to be having one crisis after another the best of the last several years. Routine calls from Alfred around the beginning of the winter months were becoming more and more common.

"_No, Dick, it's not like that. It's worse."_

"What's it like then? Because some of us are trying to live our lives out from under the Wayne thumb."

"_I understand you're upset, Dick. Trust me, I wasn't so pleased myself, but this is serious. Bruce, he, he has plans to kill the Joker." _

The line was silent on both ends. As if the idea of saying it out loud made the realization much worse.

"_Alfred found them on the computer while Bruce was out last night. He called me right after. I'm calling everyone in. We're going to need all the help we can get if we're going to stop him." _

Dick looked around at the empty apartment he'd called home for the last 3 months. He knew if he left, if he listened to Barbara, he'd lose everything he spent all this time building. He'd be sucked back in.

"It doesn't matter," Dick said. "If he's already planning, there's nothing we can do. We can't stop him. He's made up his mind."

"_Please, Dick. Damian, Tim, and I are here. We need you, too. You're the only one he'll really listen to." _

"I can't, Babs. I'm sorry."

He hung up.

Dick wasn't willing to give this life up yet. He fought all those years for Bruce, and he just gave up. Dick couldn't pull him back. In his mind, no one could.

"He hung up," Barbara said, turning back to face Alfred. He was preoccupied dusting Bruce's study. Not that he'd spent any time up here in the last 48 hours.

"I presumed he would," he replied, not looking up from his work. "Master Dick will be a hard one to convince, I'm afraid. He and Master Bruce didn't leave on the best of terms."

"None of us did, Alfred," Barbara shot back. "What makes Dick any different from the rest of us?"

Barbara knew in her heart what separated them, but still, the thought of Dick leaving his family behind in an effort to prove some sort of lesson to Bruce was burning a hole in her chest every second it went on.

"I'm afraid the circumstances behind Master Dick and Master Bruce's coming together were much more traumatic than any of the rest of you. You are the daughter of the police commissioner. Master Damian is his blood son. Master Tim was just a lucky lad. Master Dick suffered the same childhood tragedy as Master Bruce himself. There's a connection there that even I cannot get between, and when that bond was broken, I imagine that it will take a miracle to bring those two back together."

"But they were so good together," Barbara said. "How can something so good turn into something so bad?"

"Oh, believe me, my dear, when Master Bruce and Master Dick were together, they were magic. The relationship the two of them had was incredible. I've never seen Master Bruce that happy. I've also never seen him that torn."

Barbara fiddled with the picture frame sitting on Bruce's desk. It was one of only three in the entire mansion.

It was of Dick and him. No matter how severed a relationship, Bruce never forgot about him, and clearly, Dick never forgot about him either.

"The last time Master Bruce and Master Dick were together, words were said. Words that I'm sure Master Dick would like the chance to take back, but I fear their relationship is too far gone. Master Bruce used to speak about him all the time, used to keep an eye on where he was and what he was doing. I haven't heard him mention Master Dick since that day."

"It's not too late," Barbara said. "It can't be."

She turned from the study and retreated back down to the cave. Alfred watched her go. It was where they all went to find comfort.

"_God help them," _Alfred thought, "_and God help you, Master Bruce. Wherever you are." _


	2. todd

"He isn't coming," Barbara said to the group standing at the base of the stairs. They were attempting to make small talk amongst themselves; something none of them were very good at.

"What?" Tim asked, whipping around to face her. "What do you mean he isn't coming?"

"He can't just abandon us like that!" Damian yelled. "We are the only family he has. We're the only family he's _ever _had. He can't just choose not to be here. Not when all of us are relying on him."

Damian's face fell. It seemed as though all the times Dick and he had spent together all those years ago meant nothing. At least, they meant nothing to Dick. Damian on the other hand, Damian could never forget what Dick had done for him. Dick saved him. Dick saved him long before Bruce ever did.

"Alfred seems to think it has something to do with the last time they saw each other. I guess it was a lot worse than we thought," she said.

Barbara could remember the day she asked Bruce about Dick. She was so used to seeing him at the cave, to hearing about his life, or being asked by Bruce to go to Bludhaven just to check up on him, but one day, it all just stopped. Bruce didn't ask about Bludhaven, or about Dick, or about anything at all, really. It was almost like it didn't matter anymore.

When Barbara asked Bruce about Dick, all he could tell her was that they had lost touch, and Barbara knew better than to press him further. They never knew just what had happened between them.

"I can't imagine that Bruce wouldn't just forgive him," Tim said, seeming to forget who his father was.

"You know Bruce," Barbara said. "It's been 9 months. He knows how to hold a grudge."

"But what good will a grudge do now? Father is literally losing his mind, and Grayson might be the only one of us who can reach him now."

It was a hard pill for the three of them to swallow. Dick was the first one, and in their minds, the only one with the bond strong enough with Bruce to pull him off the edge. None of them had that same ability. Dick had Bruce in the palm of his hand, and they all knew it. It all fell on Dick, and he wasn't even here.

"Your lips to God's ears, Damian, but I've tried my best. I don't know what else I can do to convince him. He's as stubborn as Bruce."

"Ain't that the truth," Tim said. "He never used to be this way. I guess life under Bruce's thumb affected him more than it affected any of us. He never really was the same after he left. It was like Dick finally had permission to be who he wanted to, and he just lost it."

Barbara pondered Tim's words. "I can't imagine it was easy. He was the first one after Jason. Bruce had to have been unbearable. I can't even imagine how much Dick went through."

"And Bruce too," Tim added. "Bruce went through a lot too, and he didn't give up on Dick. Dick gave up on him. Dick left him when he needed someone the most. I don't know how you forgive someone like that."

Barbara sighed. "The same way we all forgave each other for walking out on him too. We all did it, Tim, just Dick's timing stung a little more than the rest of us. But it's not okay to pretend that Dick was the only one who hurt Bruce because it's not true. We all did."

"Do you think he knows?" Damian asked.

"Knows about what?" she returned.

"About Todd."


	3. you can't protect your heart

Dick's apartment was quiet. Barbara was the only voice he'd heard in 26 hours. Bruce always warned him about shutting himself away, as if he knew anything about it. Bruce had no idea what the quiet was doing to him. Hell, Bruce didn't care.

Dick wished for nothing more than to be where he was yesterday. Why did he leave them? Why didn't he stay with Rachel? With Kory? With the people he felt safest with?

It was becoming more and more apparent to Dick that he couldn't allow himself to feel safe and secure. Bruce had left more of a mark on him than he'd let himself believe.

He hated that he'd abandoned them, especially Rachel. She needed him most, and he did just what Bruce did. He fled. He caused Rachel the same pain he swore he'd never cause a single person. He knew what it felt like to feel so cold and alone. What the hell made him think he could do that to someone else?

Dick's phone let off a luminating hue in his pocket. He reached for it out of habit.

**Rachel: **

_Hey stranger, you gonna hole yourself up forever? _

She was so young and so naive. She had no idea that he was doing all of this to protect her. Or, maybe she did know, but she didn't care. Whatever it was, he answered nonetheless.

**Dick: **

_Sorry. Been busy. Just trying to figure some stuff out. _

**Rachel: **

_What kind of stuff, and why can't you tell me about it? _

**Dick: **

_It's nothing. _

**Rachel: **

_It's always nothing. _

Dick signed. He was in too deep now. He had to explain.

**Dick: **

_Call me. _

She happily obliged, and within twenty seconds, her name was on his caller I.D.

"_Dick, what is going on?" _

He went back and forth on telling her what was really happening with him. As if she would believe or even understand the severity of it.

"It's something-_someone-_from home," he replied, "that's all. No big deal."

"_You sure make it out to be some big deal when you don't return Kory or I's calls, then get pissed when we keep calling. You're gonna have to buy some social skills, Dick." _

"Note taken."

He could almost feel her smile on the line. He missed that, and the more he talked to her, the more he felt closer to home.

"I'm going to have to get going," he said.

"_Why do I get this feeling that you're still hiding something from me?" _

"Not hiding," he corrected, "just not worth sharing."

"_Dick, every time you say that, the thing that you were hiding normally ends up almost getting you killed. Can you please just be honest? Just this once?" _

"There's really not much to share," he said. "Someone from home called. They need me back. I said no-"

"_Wait, slow down. You said no? Why would you do that?" _

"I can't go back, Rachel. It's not that simple. Things are, they're complicated back there."

"_But those people, they're your family, Dick. I would give anything to have people who cared about me the way these people seem to care about you. You can't just abandon them." _

Dick didn't answer her. The line went quiet.

"_Where is home anyway?" _

"Gotham," he answered, "my home is in Gotham."

He debated sharing any more of himself with her, but secrets hadn't done him any favors.

"The man who needs my help is the man who I grew up with. I thought he was the man I'd lean on forever. I thought he'd never abandon me, at least, not in the way that he has."

"_You talked about trusting the wrong people." _

"Yeah," Dick said, "I did."

"_Even if he's done so wrong by you, Dick, he was also there for you when you didn't have a friend. What if you're the only person in the world that can make a difference in his life right now? Don't you think he deserves that after everything he's done for you?" _

"I just don't know how to turn my head and forget about all the hurt he's caused."

"_Maybe you don't have to," she said, "go to Gotham. Talk to him. Make things right. You can't keep living this way." _

Dick swallowed hard at the thought of seeing him again after all these years.

"_Dick," _she said, "_this is your chance to make amends. You can't keep doing this to yourself. You can't protect your heart by pretending you don't have one." _


End file.
